The insidious thing with narcissistic abuse is the sabotage and harm that happens behind your back. In this type of abuse, a trap is set that you’re entirely blind to. By the time you realize you’re in the trap, your world will be falling apart, like mine did.

Luckily, there’s something I do instinctively at the beginning of this abuse saga the helps me begin to see.

I start tapping. Tapping, tapping, tapping.

What does this mean?

A tap is an interaction of some type with the world around me which may have connections or relations to my abuser. And in this situation I tap on everything, constantly.

It’s sorta like…

Exactly.

Looking for a wall to bomb in Zelda.

Think of this like the spiritual part II of “Abuse is— Data”, because I’m speaking about analytics again.

That’s how it works, you tap on things and then you listen for the feedback.

And so, I tap. And I listen…and listen.

It’s a lot like echo location or sonar. You listen to and observe what form the information comes back in, the speed at which it comes back, the distance which it traveled, and whether it comes back at all.

All of these will inform you. All of this data together helps you understand a “bigger picture”. You can even tap on your abuser, and that’ll give you more data.’

Tap tap, abuser.

I don’t think my abuser realizes what I was doing in the beginning. So she mocks my “failed attempts”. Do they even know how often “failure” was planned?

[MOCKING MESSAGES]

I do not think my abuser has done much QA testing— you gotta tap on everything.

My abuser will build a narrative from the shadows, encapsulating me in darkness.

They’ll tell me that they care.

While feeding my friends lies that I am drugged up and unwell.

They’ll claim to others I have a mental disorder.

And will deny their own words when I find them.

They’ll tell me that I’m always welcome and I’m family

As they twist together a stereotype narrative of a “Black boogeyman”

They’ll claim they mean no harm

And they’ll undercut from the shadows

They will build a narrative that I am a “dangerous Black criminal’ and drum up a racist mob to do their bidding.

They will try to blind me to the darkness and harm they are forming against me.

But I learned something about myself…

I am Matt Murdoch.

And I have learned to see a different way. And I begin to perceive everything.

There’s something I wanna be clear about.

“Abuse is—” is not your standard survivor narrative.