Mac & Cheese
I was gonna start by saying “How could you not have loved that mac & cheese???” but then I remember that I think you don’t eat dairy right? Doi (I’m not sure the correct spelling of that).
There’s one thought that keeps popping up during this or when finding small moments of time to respond to an email
“I hope Elena don’t feel bad 😞”
And the reason for this letter is to hopefully correct that if you do. The reason I worry about you feeling bad is I know that you care. Like, actually care. Not many people do. I’ve tried to hold this value through my life but this ordeal has amplified it—
It has really shown that intention and recognition matter.
Things which are unfair need to be addressed and recognized but so do the acts of fairness and also kindness.
And even in those words I recognize you! I’m like “That E in both fairness and kindness stands for Elena!“
Kindness needs to be recognized (and really, all acts do) because I’m realizing increasingly how the intentions we believe in and speak into the world are truly extensions of us. Just in a non-physical form. That’s why it’s painful if we share a deep feeling and someone mocks it or something. I think the sticks & stones may be easier to dodge, lol.
You only feel from things that are connected to you in some sense.
And so I wanna make certain I communicate the following intention,
Thank you!
Thank you for reaching out the day after Violette dies. You’re the only one who did. Though Carissa does speak to it very kindly when she finds out in full 🖤
I think that’s one of the bigger worries I’ve had over the last several months—
“I don’t want Elena to feel bad when she was influentially kind”
The days after Violette dies there’s pretty much a hole inside me I couldn’t even address myself because I was still trying to understand and identify something incredibly cruel someone from my personal life had done to harm me— and I knew I couldn’t let work slip, so I tried to just soldier through.
Having someone recognize my grief in a moment I couldn’t even fully recognize it myself was…I don’t have a word for it. At least not one I can’t find without digging around in a way that’ll make me tear up.
It mattered.
Thank you for doing that. I realize after how often someone can feel unseen in a populated shared space, but you always do the labor and work to make others feel seen.
That’s an amazing intention to put into the world and a slight against that intention would be a horrible thing.
We (the global ‘all humans’ we) have to protect the good intentions. Some people will fake good intent and some people will slight the authentic good intentions of others. Both those actions can poison wells— which just means hurting people.
And that’s what I’ve been worried about for months and months—
“I feel Elena has some of the best intentions of most, and I don’t want her feeling bad about anything to do with me”
It’s been on my mind since October because—
That matters
Your feelings matter. So I hope you haven’t taken on too much of that weight. And I’m sorry if there’s been a heaviness from that. But please know that you can toss it if any heaviness exists. Cause in actuality the intentions you showed me have been a source of happiness for me over the last several months.
Seriously. Just those actions have helped on really rough days. It’s immeasurable how much your kindness helped. I hope that ability to do that for yourself and others is something you carry forward and never lose. Because it had an impact on me, and I hope it continues to exist so it can impact others— just by you existing and being you even.
And sorry, I’ve had this letter in me the whole time. I’m sorry it’s taken so long to speak this intention. So any weight felt by yourself, just put that back on me.
This includes everything.
Like, my comments on Blackness are speaking to an intention that traces back to another person. Not you. And please pass these intentions and sentiments on to Bridget when you feel it’s safe/appropriate/or whenever you feel like it. This is your letter so it’s yours to do with however you want.
So lemme wrap this up but I just wanna say that my situation of getting gaslit by someone for two years is horrifying because a person is literally trapping you in a perceived reality for no good reasons— BUT if you break out of that reality and survive a psychopath long enough the insight which that experience can give you into certain things is CRAAZZZYYYY!!!
Wait, that didn’t have the impact I wanted. Hold on, lemme find a better font from an image…
Phew, I’m back. About an hour elapsed cause I got caught up being creative with something. Like this version in braille in case you were ever curious.
Oh btw, I remembering moments where you’ve made comments about not feeling like you could ever be a tech or designer or something that’s sorta mathy or science…I’m sure I’m wording this poorly so apologies. I just wanna say you’re smart as $#@!!. I can tell. The way you navigate situations and how you show awareness to situations and people speaks to a deep intelligence. I think some of us might bloom at different times cause…that’s what people do! Haha. It’s like physical height. But there’s annoying systems that try to track us by one type of measure.
So I’m saying this to say—
if you smart, you smart 😤
And intelligence persists. So that means you’re smart…
And variants that feel like Miami Vice…
Oh, btw I’m not sharing this with anyone but you— consider this like a real letter that you can do with what you want 😊
Nailed it.
Why not?
Now we know some braille letters!
And you have the type intelligence that’s open, intuitive, and you’ll be amazing at anything once you get a depth of comfort in a space that respects that aspect, if you feel this applies to you.
I think some of us are more adept at an intelligence rooted in feel, which society places in a space to conflict with something people label as “book smart”. Whereas “book smart” in early ages is recognized because it’s a more tangible knowledge people can easily point to (like a bunch of numbers and weird greek symbols on a board). But I think society misses that intelligence rooted in feel is like a very well marinated (that’s why filipino and haitian sauces are banging) book smartness that ‘takes longer’ but results in something amazing with a great depth. And I think that’s you. I do.
That’s also me, I think? Hope so 🤞🏾
Ok, gotta run. Sorry for being late with timesheets all the time (🙇🏾♂️🙏🏾). In that hour I stepped away I messed around with these. Have a great Monday (or whenever I send this). Thank you for all the love, care, and amazing intention—
And of course, thank you for splashing—