& Family Ties

This is a parable. Imagine that you are diabetic. You’re around people that say they love you. Every meal, they offer you foods filled with sugar and starch. You keep telling them—

“No, I shouldn’t have that. I’m a person with diabetes, and that will harm me.”

And they look at you and say—

“Well, you should have this. We wouldn’t offer you anything bad. We love you.”

Again you decline. This will happen with every meal and each time you go out. One day they’ll pick a restaurant and you will say—

“I can’t eat anything here. This place is bad for me.”

And they say—

“No, I think we go here.”

You become frustrated—

“Why doesn’t anyone listen to me?! I have diabetes! If I follow what you keep saying, it’ll only harm me!”

“No one is trying to harm you. We love you!”

“But you’re not showing you love me when you don’t listen to me! You keep speaking over me. And suggesting things that will harm me. No one is respecting what I say.”

“Well we all have opinions. You’re not listening to our opinions.”

“Sure, fine, I’m not saying you can’t have an opinion. But there’s no opinion when it comes to my life. I can’t be flexible on a choice when it directly effects my health and well being!”

“You need to calm down. You’re sounding crazy.”

“No I am not! That’s gaslighting. And tone policing! Everything I’m saying is logical. And my anger is justified because this effects my life. It doesn’t effect yours.”

“Ugh. I don’t know! Then maybe you should have made better choices. Then you wouldn’t have diabetes. It’s stressful for us too.”

“…but I had to get my pancreas removed. So now I’m diabetic. I never asked for this. I just need to be heard…I just need to be seen…I just want to be safe. And all you’ve needed to do is put in a slight bit of effort. Why is it so hard to love me…”

You cry. And with a heavy heart you realize you must distance yourself from these people that love you. Because while they offer words of love, and their actions and thoughts have good intent, they are unable to respect your consent. The two must work together. If they do not, you’ll only harm the ones you claim to love. Your opinion has little weight, when others speak of harm or yell for help.

In March 2022, I realize something is VERY WRONG with the person I dated and had broken up with the preceding Jan 2022. This realization happens slowly over the course of Jan-March. In fact, look at how many times I tell them that I don’t feel safe around them.

I caught something early. It was a combination of luck, experience, and skill. I realize this is a situation I can only overcome with the help of people. Since that realization, people have failed me relentlessly, because literally almost no one has been able to respect what I have said. I lost everything I had ever earned. My best friend died. And I’ve been trying to escape the harms of a literal psychopath.

The parable is about my family.

This next part is with a heavy heart and tears. Ever since I told my family about my abuse, assault, the harm which continues to come to me, I’ve been spoken over, made light of, victim blamed, and gaslit. All while someone with ill intent proceed to attack me. My immediate family have not acted in ways that actually respect me. And worse, they have only put me closer to harm.

This next part hurts. But I have no choice.

I renounce my immediate family. I renounce my father, Lionel Laquinte who said “abuse is vague” when I told him someone had harmed me. I renounce my mother Yva Laquinte who refused record a voice note saying that she loved and supported her son. I renounce my oldest sister Jenny Laquinte, who told me my experience just wasn’t in the context of what she knows when I said ‘help’ and also told me it takes ‘two to tango‘ in regards to this continued experience of assault and abuse where I was targeted and attacked. And I renounce my second oldest sister Vanessa Laquinte, who when I first came to them in terror, asked me “why should people help you?“

I’ve done nothing but try to show them love. But it’s time to move on. I am no longer their family. And they are no longer mine.

It’s funny. People will constantly tell you to “heal”, but won’t understand the truth that we are actually always healing and then they’ll judge you for acting in ways that avoid more harm. Renouncing my family is avoiding more harm.

I’m sorry to these people I once called kin, but here’s the thing—

I will persist.

And I won’t allow you all to harm me anymore, nor will you all hold me back. Thank you for all the help until this point. But I have to go. I still love you all. This is hard. Why couldn’t you all hear and respect me…

I am without family, and a wolf is hunting me. And so, I’m looking for new family. I need help. I need people who care. I need people who will act. And I need people who respect my consent, and respect I know what the fuck I’m doing. Cause I clocked this shit early, and no one has respected my insight…

I’m gonna follow this up with a piece about strength, and that will come with a request.

Abuse is—

Presents

Strong World

I have a lot to share— things that I think will be useful for others if I can survive the hate attacking me. Through this situation, I sorta awaken a lot of interesting knowledge. I’ve been finding my own words in the words of Morrison, Jobs, and Baldwin. I don’t know if I’ll make it far enough to share my knowledge. So here’s a piece of knowledge I wanna share—

The strength is in the acceptance of weakness, and the weakness is in the projection of strength.

What does this mean? True strength is in the recognition that we aren’t where we want to be yet. It’s our ability to face a version of ourselves that isn’t our ideal, but still meet the world with that version of ourselves even though this can be scary. There’s another word for this. Vulnerability. The vulnerable path is the path where you face your fears, and that will make you strong.

Those who are too scared to be vulnerable are only left one option. They project. They project strength, but truly this is only empty, like a big inflatable object.

Wanna know the catch here? Life is a journey. So we never get to where we wanna be, in a sense. And so, we are all vulnerable. Every one of us. At all times. And that’s ok. It’s called being human.

Now ask yourself, for those that project, what do they become then?