what is nullstep?
nullstep was a concept
—which I realize has held me my whole life. It’s done a lot for me and now it’s almost matured to a place I feel I can share it. Did you know concepts evolve like Pokemon!? I’ll end this piece later by sharing what nullstep has become.
I’m a Computer Engineer. And a few years ago I decided I’d make a test / burner account on social platforms to test the software I build. I normally suck at naming things. So the day I decided on a throwaway name, I remember struggling a lot. Then suddenly two computer engineering-y type of words bubbled to the surface and I put them together.
‘nullstep’
And weirdly enough, the word I came up with has come to make a funny and beautiful sense during this time in my life. “Null” being a value that represents nothing, and “step” meaning a movement forward along a scale.
I see you. I like what I see.
I hope everyone reading this recognizes themselves. Encompassing the good, and the bad, and the great! Because I do think we all have a greatness within us. It’s tough being human and having self doubt, so we gotta stare in the mirror a long time before we see that greatness begin to bloom.
I’m becoming very familiar with situations and a type of malignant people that don’t like us to recognize ourselves. It irks them deeply to a point where they lash out and harm others.
But what is wrong with the recognition of who you are and your identity? Because who you are is who you’ve come from. And in recognizing yourself you’re loving back the people who loved you, especially the ones no longer here.
To their full extent, these malignant people or entities will try to erase a person or group of people for honoring their identity. The more you honor and improve yourself, the harder these people attack.
I’m proud to say I’m becoming very familiar with these types of people.
A Personal Story
I got cut down in 2022. They are still hacking at me now, but I’m getting back up. Some people tried to extinguish me. There was a plot to do so physically, but most of the harm was done psychologically. Some one tried to break me. And later they conspired with others.
From 2020-2022 I dated someone who failed to respect my identity & my voice. As things got progressively more sexually coercive, and uncomfortable with how they viewed my identity. I chose to leave them.
As I walked away from them I was subject to an attack. Shortly after I came to realize that attack was larger than expected, and spanned several online groups which were used to used to project a stereotype narrative onto me— acting only as a call to action for a mob to enact delusional justice on me. A lynching.
Sent to a family member on Jan, 17 2023.
As this was done, things which protected my life, my livelihood, and everything I worked proudly for began to be ripped away.
I later realize that friends, old grad school classmates, and even possibly people from spaces I’d frequent during the work week, may have been complicit (some intentionally and some unintentionally) in the carryout of this planned lynching. Wow.
My assailants then took measures to strip away my ability to speak in ways societal and judicial. Apparently if someone tries to lynch you, they can get a protection order that you spoke out in sheer horror upon the realization that they building up their lynch mob— yikes, America!
A secret and unjust order, filed in the background on April 11th, after I realize on April 9th I should go t the police. People behind my back are told while I have no idea. The assailant makes up excuses of why I can’t be served yet. The world starts closing around me.
Imagine breaking up with someone, then finding information online that spans back for months where they’ve started a campaign to paint you as a dangerous unhinged thug and menace to society meant to criminalize you. Yikes. It’s like something from a Netflix series.
The earlier attack left me traumatized. I had loved this person. I also began to realize they likely had help, from others I had recently met in 2021 who found me in spaces I frequented each day of the work week. These people intended to harm me eventually as well for the recognition of self.
What happens after you stand up to a bully?
I had dodged some other attacks from people prior months, and I saw where each potential attacker could have connected with my known attacker. The effects of the known primary assailant was bad enough—
To be hunted like an animal by someone you opened up to love & trust felt disgusting. Finding out 2 years of investment & care was a lie meant to harm was like a mortal wound to my soul.
Actually no, it was a mortal wound because I could feel myself…’ending’, in a sense. And I was dying.
People can harm you in ways that are psychological where you’ll basically just ‘bleed out’ in a way that can’t be conventionally seen. We don’t live in a world that does very well with the recognition in what others are feeling. And what happens if no one can perceive or recognize that you’re fading and depleting? Exactly.
But someone saved me.
a person’s will does not die
I’m also an Artist & Designer. When I was 7, a special moment occurred where a window opened and I realized a love for art, media, and narrative. I lit up. Then someone I trusted told me I would only be a failure.
I was crushed.
But at 7, something in me picked me up, and told me it would be ok. It told me what I dreamed of would exist. And something that felt like an intention inside me pointed forward, ahead into the future and told me to be assured that something waited for me if I just walked forward.
“Just keep going, I’ll be with you the whole way. We’re not walking off a cliff. It’s sturdy, I promise. You can trust me.”
And so, from that day forward, I walked forward feeling confident that if I kept recognizing that love for media, art, design, and narrative in myself, I wouldn’t fall flat.
As I’ve gotten older I’ve realized something. Those loves inside me were likely all embedded in me from the people that came before. Someone before me loved stories, so I love stories. Some before me would try their best to tell others they are loved, and I do that. Someone gave away too much money to help others. Someone saw a radio or television for the first time and their mind bloomed. Nearly everyone was surpemely kind. I have an amazing family.
And likely, many of these beautiful intentions were never seen through. But a person’s will does not die. (Thank you Oda). I can promise you that. It gets passed on. Through bonds of blood andor intention andor care. So, how long did these people wait? How long? How long did people like my grandmother dream and suffer? Of course they came bursting out through me. They wanted to see the world through my eyes.
You, yes you. The person reading—
“You do not hang your head, either.”
There are people behind you that loved you that never got to see these things. Keep your eyes open. Move forward. Be vulnerable at the right times, because that is where the strength actually is. And the amount of wonder you’ll show them is endless. So you too, do not hang your head. Because you can love the people that loved you, by loving yourself and seeing those dreams fulfilled.
nullstep
As I felt myself depleting from the attack, something in told me “get up”, and it pointed to the future again. And it told me I would die if I stayed, BUT something better existed ahead of me and would allow me to survive and flourish if moved forward a certain way.
“I’m sorry they hurt you so badly. But we’ll die if we stay here and try to heal in these ways that those people suggest. They do not see us. They do not hear us. Their ways will break us. The healing is ahead of us. I’ll point you to safety, I promise. You can trust me.”
It’s been a hard and confusing way forward through this ordeal. It’s spanned much longer than I thought it would. And my attackers, more horrible than I could imagine.
I will forever thank the friends that said—
“Well, if he feels he needs this, then that’s what he needs. Even if we don’t understand all of it, let’s help and stand by him.”
You saved me by recognizing me, during a time when even I wasn’t sure on the path I knew I needed to take.
When someone wounds your spirit, you have to express something, or else that’s just more harm.
You must exclaim. You must say something. It’s like exposing a cut to fresh air.
People used dirty tactics and power to block me from using my voice, and as days became weeks became months, I did everything I can to patch the bleeding. You can bleed out a long time from that place. Now, when I see someone sitting on a sidewalk, looking broken in despair— it’s going to touch a recognition in me. And I’d like to help them on a greater scale now. If I can make it there in the future, please know that I will.
I knew I needed a way to speak on what occurred, but I was still trying to understand the attack and piecing together what occurred. The protection order held multiple purposes. One was to punish me acting out a human right. Speech. And not to them. They tried to stop me from speaking entirely to anyone about them.
We think, therefore we are, therefore we do, therefore we are, therefore we think.
That sentence acts like an equation that results in a form of mattering for all sides. This is how we exist in the minds of others— which is supremely important to our existence because we are all connected. We need recognition. Especially for those least recognized by society. It is the healing.
And existing in minds is important for the people we are close to, but also ones we aren’t. The masses.
The muted person has no where for their thoughts to go. Their intention won’t travel, and so they’ll only wilt. My assailant’s unjust protection order was a move to have me die in that way as well. Cognitively— spiritually. To have me starved off with the threat of constant incarceration, a noose around my neck. Choked both ways. A sick gag.
That’s also why I was never even served until I shouted that I’d reveal their crime to the world. They intended to keep going behind my back to keep me scared and confused as friends and allies closed doors to me. Many failed me.
And it was hard to speak immediately after finding the shocking evidence, waves of trauma from being lied to for so long left me too scattered and confused. That led me to even feel deep fear speaking to anyone around me. to tell my communities anything. My attackers were saying I was unhinged and my confusion would only be used to harm me more. Also the pain.
Excruciating. Every day, excruciating. But even so I moved forward and I thought of a way.
I dusted off those throwaway accounts, and decided I would use the forms of expression that moved me the most. Art, design, interaction, media, music, narrative. It would be my sketch pad, to get it all out. It would be imperfect but who cares, I needed to live and recapture my narrative. Then something clicked.
I lit up.
I can only call it a remarkable act of sub-conscious, left to me by people much smarter than I that came before.
null, a value which means nothing. step, a movement forward along a scale of some type.
nullstep, a force that pushes you forward when other forces seek to erase you— by the erasing of you, your acts, and intentions. nullstep, they who will not deplete, or be extinguished. The one that says—
“Enough.”
And while I can’t confirm this, I think this was a gift from my grandmother. Thank you grandma. You barely knew me but thank you for loving me through Time itself. I love you, too.
old & new gods
I think “nullstep” represents more than just my particular situation. And I think it represents more than just me. I think it is something larger. I’ve been thinking a lot about culture, who we come from, and how we came from them.
I’ve been thinking about intention. And the what of what drives us all forward— from then until now. I’ve been thinking about the values people kept that gave them direction. And from that, I’ve been thinking of Old Gods. Because what were old gods, if not supreme manifestation of values? Old gods were often beacons of human values, projected larger than what we thought a human could be, allowing us to pull more than we thought was possible from ourselves.
Think about it. Each culture had them.
So you mean to tell me…everyone everywhere came up with similar concepts on their journey through Time? That’s all I need to know. It’s official. It’s rooted deeply in how we function. We need that— those beacons.
They gave us stories, they gave us laughter. They gave us awe, and wonder. They gave us reflection, and sadness. They gave us delight, and helped us navigate love. They gave us horror, and a knowing fear, before we knew for ourselves the hard way.
Old Gods showed us the beauties and faults of being human, as we move through our lives, generation to generation. Old gods were just us.
Old gods are guardrails, perhaps embedded so long ago and so deeply it can exist in a 7 year old boy who knew nearly nothing of the world and it’s challenges. And it filled him with the bravery and confidence to meet the world and earn his dream.
And I think it truly was an Old God who told him to get back up, when they tried to beat him and rob him of his dream later, as a man. Don’t worry, I’m back up, and everything I am is still within me, so the robbery failed 🖤
This is what nullstep is for me. nullstep started as a smaller but deep idea. We have a word for that.
A concept.
And it’s grown in me, beginning to become something more which I can maybe share with others soon. A supreme value.
Oh, and they are a they. Because why wouldn’t they be? And that’s what nullstep told me they are.
(even i mess it up sometimes. sorry step!)
null & me, me & null 🎶in it till the wheels falls off🎶 I think we may be unbeatable together— because even if an Old God dies, that just makes New Gods.
I’ve shown nullstep off a bit, but moving forward I want to spend my life sharing the insight and knowledge I’ve gained from embodying a value past the point where they thought they’d break you. Because if you do that, I can promise a change occurs in you. As it has in me.
Borrow them, if you’d like. Yes, nullstep I mean. They are quite powerful, and they can be anywhere & anywhen at once. They will help you move mountains. And some day I’ll speak more on nullstep’s parent. A funny little jokester, who came West on a boat from TheRoot— a long time ago to give a people strength to defeat some cruel bullies.
Currently, I am telling the story of a character called nullstep, as in realtime, I take back my power and win over a group of vicious and abusive bullies.
And yes, I win.
